Dying from the inside out
a) You’re behaving like a NAZI
b) I was JEWED out of a promotion
c) Quit that NIGGER
d) That shirt is so GAY
Which of these statements are you most likely to let slip by without raising an eyebrow? None of them should. They all are very offensive and represent the of type verbal bullying that has become all to normal.
In light of Jamie Hubley’s suicide which was caused, in part at least, by bullying, I wanted to make sure that we all realize that bullying is not just the big ogre in the school that picks on smaller kids. Bullying comes from all of us in the most subtle ways. And in today’s society, the gay community is a commonly placed at the receiving end of this hurtful practice.
Part of the problem is that we feel we can easily identify who is gay and who is not. You think that boy or girl who fits the stereotype is the gay one is obviously the gay one just as easily as you indentify the obese person or the foreigner. But it’s not that clear cut. There is no such thing as “gaydar”. There is no way to tell who is gay and who is not; just like you can’t tell someone’s favourite colour just by meeting them.
But because society has shown there is a prejudice towards the gay lifestyle, many, many people choose not to share that part of their lives even with those who are very close to them, family included. And why should they? They don’t want to butt of ridicule or denied a promotion or lose their friends because they are gay.
Jamie’s story, while very sad, is also very common. No one should have to be driven to feeling so badly about themselves that they have to try to hide it just to cope. For all you know, your best friend is gay or your boss is gay or your cousin is gay. So next time you hear phrases like, “that shirt looks faggoty” or “he runs like a fairy” or “she dresses like a boy”, remember the person beside you may be the one that dies a little more inside.
Clip from In & Out with Kevin Kline
I cried when I read the first news stories coming out about Jamie. 35 years ago, I was a target. I wasn’t the only one; others were targeted worse. Anything perceived as “different” from what the rest of the school was like was targeted, and anything that could be criticised in any way, was. And non-stop. At school out of sight of the Staff and Teachers. At home out of sight of parents. Everywhere, out of sight of the authority figures who were therefore oblivious to the insurmountable piles of sheer hate that drives our culture. Tribalism. Nationalism. Belonging-ism.
I survived, other people survived, and sadly there were victims who moved to other schools or even other cities to get away. So when schools and politicians started talking anti-bullying initiatives, I was hopeful, glad, but realistic. The targeting of bullying started in the schools, in the classrooms, on the sports fields–but not in the locker bays, in the washrooms, the school buses, the parks, malls, sidewalks or the internet.
Our children are all sweet and kind and innocent, right? Sure, when they are by themselves. Kids are pack animals. Animals. Their brains are not developed fully until their 20s–let’s face it. Like a flock of chickens, who will peck any bird that looks different to the rest of them, to death. Children are the same. That will not stop, sadly. Peer Pressure is the mild form. Peer Pressure is the only standard. Sameness. THE way to belong to–be like–the rest.
The only way to stop this behaviour is to recognise the part that rules the minds of kids–instant need. The ego’s wants, desires, cravings to belong, be like, or to be better than others runs (and ruins) lives. Peer Pressure is the pressure of needing to be like the popular ones, of having what the popular kids have, of having the popular kids not just LIKE us, but SHOW it to others.
The only way to stop the killing behaviour is to identify the ego/instant gratification aspect of material possessions, style, popular culture, and denigrate THAT. But we live in a society that glorifies the consumer society we created, by serving the needs of the ego in all of us.
The only way to stop the bullying, killing behaviour is to stop providing the environment in the home of “bigger better stronger faster gotta get it gotta get it now” supply-on-demand. That means a fundamental shift in the society we live in.
This fundamental shift is to negate, denigrate, subvert and “kill” the complete business/consumer relationship. The “Hippies” tried it, and fell back into it because it was easier to play along–they gave up their ethical standpoints at the point it got hard to do. Counter-Culture. Anti-Establishment. Anti-Culture.
And, that is never going to happen, because the ego wants to do the easy thing that everyone else is doing, and measuring their “success” against that standard of false success–material possessions, good looks, proper ethnographic or racial backdround–peer pressure. Popularity.
Changing the language of acceptability will only create a new vocabulary of bullying terms. Sad, but true. The need to belong to the flock is never grown out of by the majority, those very same people who see nothing wrong with their behaviour.
This reminds me of something my Mother used to say: If everyone else is jumping off the bridge, does that make it right for you to do it too? Humanity at the base level are no better than Lemmings. Animals. We do have the power to separate ourselves from the “animal” kingdom. We have the power of choice: Do what is Right, or do what everyone else wants you to think is right for their own selfish, ego-supporting, instant-gratification mindset.
My choice is to do what is Right, and that means to negate dogma, to negate consumer standards of success, to negate fear tactics of the political power snatchers, to negate the business/consumer way of doing things. Yes it is hard, because I have to live amongst the hens and roosters that still peck to kill. I guess I am Counter-Culture, but I don’t adhere to the label bestowed, to have me fit society’s need to feel better than/superior over me.
Mike, a gay man who is invisibly a fag.
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